To My Brothers Finding Their Way

Thoughts on Brotherhood and the Mental Well-Being of Men

How lucky am I?

I glanced from left to right, overly gracious for the company that surrounded me. It’s late March, the day after my birthday, a few minutes past 8pm. The room carried a dimly-lit ambiance, smooth like the tune of a jazz club. Picture the Village Vanguard in New York City. But rather than march underground into a compact music house absent windows, the space we shared was a revered Italian restaurant with an infrastructure firmly held together by large polished glass that extended into a gorgeous patio littered with festive string lights resembling fireflies from afar. The establishment is cozily nestled on the edge of a cliff with stunning panoramic views of the most iconic skyline in the world. The city looks most pristine when you gaze at it from New Jersey, in my biased opinion.

A few weeks prior, I sent out text messages to the group of men whom I consider my closest male friends, and extended an invite to gather for dinner and some drinks. Throughout my life I’ve been surrounded by women, having been raised by a brilliant village of them, in addition to being born in a family that traditionally conceives far more girls than boys. Naturally, I’ve always enjoyed and preferred female friendships. Just simply being in the presence of women listening and observing as they converse has always been a calming and harmonious experience. For silly reasons, the mere notion of platonic friendships between people from Mars and people from Venus has carried a hefty handbag of toxic stigmas that our society continues to adopt generation after generation, and blindly so. Luckily for me, I don’t subscribe to nonsense.

Simultaneously I’ve always had a core group of male friends since birth, which of course is the norm. Explanations on the importance of male friendships aren’t echoed to us. We simply operate in a system that’s been passed down without learning why that structure plays such a significant role in our lives. These methods are unavoidable in our early years, mostly due to the roles of sports and camaraderie. It’s with the potent element of competition that young boys are taught about the importance of friendship and community.

The issue in this, coming from a former collegiate athlete, is that sports can only teach you but so many ways about how to form friendships. Most of it is testosterone filled with a singular mindset on achieving a very difficult task, like winning a championship. But let’s say you go all the way and succeed, winning said trophy… What then? What’s next? Does that brotherhood come to a halt once a unified goal is reached? How about the inevitable factor of aging out of sports and moving onto other endeavors?

It further dawned on me that right around that pivotal moment of graduating from high school when most of us disperse along separate paths, whether it be off to college, a job, the military or elsewhere, is when massive fallout occurs. This of course is natural, as it happens to all of us, not just men. But focusing on men, it seems as though after a certain point in our lives, cultivating friendships and building bonds of brotherhood becomes less important with each year that passes. I firmly believe that not indulging in chosen kinship outside of our biological families and romantic partners can potentially have devastating consequences mentally, physically and spiritually.

The invites I sent out, 7 in total, were enthusiastically accepted upon delivery. Several weeks later, each man sat beside me at a roundtable full of decorous plates of appetizers accompanied by plush wine and drinks. The graceful sharing of a meal is one of the oldest, most sacred traditions that family members have been practicing for thousands of years. Over the course of a few hours we laughed uncontrollably, shared war stories from our glory days of playing sports, updated each other on the stresses that come with building our respective careers, inquired about the statuses of relationships with the women in our lives, and laughed some more. It was a glorious time.

I’ve always been unusually cautious of whom I let into my circle. I’m uncertain of where I learned this from, nor can I pinpoint a singular moment when I garnered such vigilance. Due to my mind, heart and soul operating in an intensely unified system, I’ve always treated my friends as my family. And not in the cliché, Hollywood way either. The notorious scene from Fast & Furious often comes to mind whenever this phrase is mentioned. My village has been cultivating kinship for decades now, which is a remarkable feature considering how young we are.

Looking to my left and right as I watched everyone laugh amidst their individual conversations, it dawned on me that each friendship I have with every brother who sat at the table stretches back at least fifteen years. Fifteen years. Fifteen. How is time even real? The clocks that codify our lives are such mischievous things. It feels like only yesterday that Nick, Ruben and I were about to play in our last high school football game, unaware of the legacies we’d leave behind. It feels like only yesterday that I was hooping at Fourth Street Park in Hoboken with Alexis, Jahmel and Joey all summer long. We’d be outside under the blazing sun going to war on the basketball court, covered in dirt. It feels like only yesterday that Caesar and I were in elementary school going to war against our heated rivals, who’s feature player happened to be our good brother Rah. He wasn’t my good brother at the time though, just in case you were curious about how psychotically competitive we were. And it feels like only yesterday that Josh and I formed a brotherhood later in life as adults while attending the same church in our early twenties, despite both of us graduating from the same high school.

Realizing how much time has elapsed can be such a puzzling and weary process. The kids that I grew up with have morphed into fathers, fiancés, homeowners and businessmen. I thought about the importance of high quality friendships and their impact on our lives as we continue to develop. That process is unending, as is father time. I found comfort, however, when concluding that my friendships aren’t going anywhere, even if our clocks seem to be in a hurry. The amount of time that escapes us pales in comparison to the foundations we’ve built. Decades have passed with life throwing innumerable amounts of challenges and responsibilities our way, and these men were still right here by my side, willing to show up for me at the drop of a hat.

My contemplations lingered deeper into the following days. Noticing how blessed and loved you are is such an out of body, divine experience. I previously thought I had an idea of how loved I’ve always been, but I’m pretty sure I was wrong all along. For some reason this year felt completely different. It felt new. Damn near overwhelming. And while I appreciated every ounce of love that was shown, it suddenly hit me…

I’ve faced a patch of turbulent times over the last 24 months. Some of the most chaotically beautiful seasons I’ve ever lived through, to be transparent. While most of it has been illuminating, the dark times took a hefty toll on my mental health. I think I received the abundance of love that I got over the last few weeks because I needed it. God delivered a handful of reminders on just how important I am to my village, and it couldn't have arrived at a better time. For this, I believe I shall forever be in debt to whomever is protecting me.

I couldn’t help but wonder about all the men out there that aren't being reminded of their importance in this life, and the significant roles that they play in the lives of others. The amount of men that never receive an ounce of reassurance on how much they’re loved is likely immeasurable, and for reasons that require a separate, more concentrated conversation. For the sake of this collection of thoughts and keeping close to my own personal testimony on the importance of brotherhood and its ties to mental health, I kept this primarily centered on men that I’ve personally heard or have seen express sentiments of loneliness, depression and overall health deterioration.

Anxiety, depression, and loneliness are universal experiences that most human beings can identify with. But lately I’ve been noticing a sharp increase in the way that men describe the current state of their lives. The amount of dissatisfaction surrounding their careers, dating, optimism for the future, even the amount of people they feel are available to speak to about their issues, is beyond disheartening. Alarming, even. I can attest to some of this.

I’m not too sure where my mental, physical and spiritual health would currently stand had it not been for my own personal season of being celebrated, and I consider myself an extremely strong human being. But for the men out there that aren’t surrounded by villages of people, and aren’t taking time to at the very least acknowledge the importance of their paths, I wonder how they might be feeling at any given time throughout the day? How do they cope with life on their darkest days? What are some emotions they might be wrestling with at this precise moment, during such unprecedented times?

It’s often difficult for me to avoid challenging thoughts, regardless of the setting I find myself in. Though that night, my environment couldn't have been better. I placed my deep thoughts off to the side and chose to focus on enjoying the moment. I sat cozily in the presence of my best friends, listening to their words and laughing at their stories. A handful of servers came over to distribute our main entrees. I unraveled my napkin to release my utensils, then neatly folded it over my lap. So much time had passed since we last shared a meal in such fashion, yet we all knew that the table had to be blessed first before anyone could touch their food. We grabbed hands and bowed our heads as I led us in prayer, then said Amen in synchronized form. The food was utterly delicious. I glanced from left to right, overly gracious for the company that surrounded me.

How lucky am I?